Pam, the Abandoning Life Coach

Pam just hurt my feelings.

Me:  I’m going to make a ‘Pam Tab’ on my blog.

Pam: But what if we stop being friends?

Me:  Why would you say something like that?

Pam: Or what if I stop working here, move away and we never talk?

Me: Pam, Stop being a &%**@!

Pam:  Okay, I’ll never leave. 

Pam is behind me now doing something in my shelves and I just heard her yell, “This isn’t safe!”  I turned around and she’s holding a bag of scizzors that almost fell on her.  Safety’s for losers, Pam. 

Conversation continues:

Me: You’re fired.

Pam: You can’t fire me.  

Me: Yes I can.  You’re not the only one that abandons.

Pam:  What would you do without me?  Who’s gonna read the fine print.

Okay, so this one time, I may have bought some unnecessary things on the internet without reading the fine print.  I thought I was getting free samples, but I was actually purchasing large quantities of supplies.  Pam was reading over my shoulder and stopped me before I devestated my bank account.  She calls it her funniest day at work. 

Pam:  I’m your life coach.  (Picks up the turtle on my desk) This is ugly.

Apparently Pam thinks all cowboys are rednecks.

Me: Are you going to wear something cowboyish to my party?

Pam: I thought it was a Southern Party.

Me:  (long pause, sideward glance) Do you not know where cowboys are from? Not sure what they are?

Pam:  I thought you meant Southern like peach cobbler and that lady on the food network.

Me:  What lady?

Pam:  Google Southern Lady Food Network.

Me:  (Head on desk laughing)

Pam:  I didn’t think you were having a Redneck party. 

Five hours latter Pam yells Paula Dean!

Pam wants this party:

And not this party:

Dating

Pam: You should go on a date today.

Me:  Why?

Pam:  Because your skin looks nice.

Me:  That’s such a weird thing to say.

Oxygen

Brother:  I have an oxygen tank now.

Me: (alarmed) WHY?

Brother: I stole it from the retirement home. 

Long, sustained laughter.

Me:  Won’t that cause brain damage?

Brother:  It could.

Me:  That’s not funny.

Mimi

Me:  Mimi loves you.

Pam:  I know she does. 

Me:  Mimi’s going to be a reoccuring theme on my blog.  As are you. You’re like a celebrity.

Pam:  I know, don’t you have any other friends?

Personal Assistant

Highlights:

Me:  When I get famous do you want to be my personal assistant?

Pam:  Yes.

Me:  You’ll have to clean my room.

Pam:  Can’t I just hire someone to do that?

Me:  No, not when we’re first starting out – we won’t have money yet.  And that’s what personal assistants do.

Pam:  Clean your room?

Me:  Yea, you know, find my papers and stuff.  And you’ll have to cook food.

Pam:  What?

Me:  It’s better than what you do now. 

Pam:  It is actually what I do now.

Me:  I’ll buy you lots of presents. 

Pam:  Okay.

Pupusas

Me:  The only reason I’m still friends with David is because he brings me Pupusas.

Pam:  You could always buy your own Pupusas. 

David:  (Says nothing.  Continues silently reading magazine with disinterested expression.). 

(taken from blondieandbrownie.blogspot.com)

Plant Acne

Me:  I’m worried about Lola (my new plant).

Barbara: Why?

Me:  I’m just worried I won’t keep her alive.  Look, she’s already wilting.

Barbara:  Where?

Me: Right there on the corner.

Barbara:  It’s fine.

Me:  She’s dying. I’m already killing her. 

Barbara:  It’s just a blemish.  She can’t be perfect.  It’s like that mark on your chin.

Me:  My zit?

Barbara:  Yes. It’s like the plant has a zit on it’s chin and it’ll go away.

Me:  (In my head) What a terrible comparison!

Honesty

Mike:  Do you know what I mean?

Me:  You know what, I was starring at your face and I wasn’t listening.

Mike:  Oh my god!

Me:  I wanted to be honest.

Japan

Me:  I really want to go to Japan.  Do you know anyone I could stay with in Japan?

Pam:  I do.  Well, no.  I know someone in Mongolia. 

Me:  Sometimes I feel like you don’t know where Japan is.