I don’t know if this will translate on paper. But we’ll give it a go.
Pam and I went out tonight and had just about the greatest time possible. Our funny friend David was with us. He’s insulting and horrible and we love him. Pam and I have a major communication barrier which is why I choose to write down most of our conversations. Well, not most. You really don’t want me to write down MOST because most of the things we talk about are completely boring and irrelevant. Like today I spent a long time trying to convince Pam my real name wasn’t Hillary. I even created a fake birth certificate (actually i had Julie make it). At one point she believed me and then when I told her I was lying she said, “That wasn’t even that funny or exciting. That’s like me spending all day trying to convince you that my favorite color is Red.” But you see, the name I came up with rhymed with a dirty word so it was NOTHING like her trying to convince me that her favorite color was red. A FAKE BIRTH CERTIFICATE! A DIRTY WORD! Anyways, here’s Pam and I driving in the car:
Me: (i point to pam and david) Remember when you, and you, and I went to that restaurant…
Pam (interrupts): The other me?
Me: What? What other you? No YOU! I’m talking about you and you (pointing to Pam and David).
Pam: The other David?
Me: Seriously? What other David? What other you? I’m saying when the three of us went to dinner…
Pam: I thought you meant the other David and the other Pam.
Me: (long silence) But I didn’t say other. I said YOU. What other are you talking about?
Pam: Like maybe you have another asian friend and hispanic friend that you call “Other David,” and “Other Pam.” Like a doppelganger.
Me: Okay, great, but this is actually a story about YOU. And I’ve never, ever mentioned any OTHER PAM! So again, back to the beginning of this story, do you remember when YOU…
I wish I had an Other Pam! One Pam is just not enough for anyone. My other favorite moment of the night was when Pam tried to stuff a cocker spaniel puppy under her shirt so we could steal it. And we went to a Korean BBQ place and they had bible verses in the stalls. Like really strange ones IN the stalls, framed and mounted which I read while Beyonce’s “Single Ladies” was playing overhead. And then to make things really awkward I leaned down and asked Pam if her stall had mounted scripture and she screamed because she didn’t like my face in her stall.