I have insomnia again tonight. Oh, it’s such a drag. I just love night. I love the quiet and the way the house becomes mine and only mine. I love the softer lighting and dragging out the evening in an attempt to postpone tomorrow.
Tonight I am teeming with a bitter/sweet sadness. I am missing my friends. That sounds more simple than it feels. I’ve never been an island, never been good at being completely on my own. I’m a barnacle. And though I love to travel and am excited by change — I tend to stay where my people are. Friends have always been home to me. But lately I am experiencing a drought, a sort of homelessness. Los Angeles is a transient city where people come and go for school, or to try music, or film and then they leave. They go back to their families so they can afford to buy houses and get jobs and live near parents. And so most of the dear friends I made in college have made their way back to cities far from me and tonight the missing is just overwhelming. I’m just a big ball of tears. I suppose I feel homesick.
Homesick and lucky that I’ve had such great love in my life. Really lucky. I’m particularly thinking of the women I know. I just know the strongest, most funny, most loving, most loyal women.
So here’s a little ode to those dear ones that I miss tonight who have moved away: To Holly, whose empathy, forgiveness, and loyalty have been a gift to me. And Jen, who is the sister I always wanted – my defender and soul-friend. And Megs, whose felt it all with me – we can hold hands and cry and not say a word – and who has a way with finding/making beauty in/with everything. And Heather who hugs me harder than anyone I’ve ever known and sits with me in comfortable silence when it feels too dark. To Erin, who’s loyalty, sweetness and devotion has never ceased to comfort and amaze me. To Natasha, who feels as though I’ve always known her and whose laughter is so contagious. And Jayna’s courage and depth that inspires me. And Chris’s perfect voice and early morning philisophical coffee dates which I long for constantly. And Sarah, who will never read this, ha, but Sarah, who dragged me out of fear and loved me as her own and whose pantsuits I will inherit one day.
I miss the Coughlin’s too — late night couch talks and walks through Eagle Rock. And Brandon. Just Brandon. I always miss Brandon.
And I miss all your kids. I love being their aunty.
I believe I am finished now with my Award Ceremony Speech. I will probably be embarrassed tomorrow at how emotional and gushing I was tonight. It’s is nearly 1:30 now and I will hate the morning. But geez, I’m just heartbroken, and homesick, and wanting to document the overflowing love I feel for these gifts of mine. These precious, irreplaceable friends. God has been good to me.
Goodnight, my dear friends.
“A song for, someone who needs a place to long for…”