Flowing

Here’s what’s on the brain —

This week I heard that an old friend’s brain cancer is now at stage 4.  He’s young.  Two little kids.  
Someone lit a man on fire and left his burning body in a neighborhood in Altadena.  
I watched footage of Syrian families living in a refuge camp.  
I read about the Secret Service and their 21 prostitutes.  
The L.A. times put out new pictures snapped by American soldiers showing them posing with the legs of a suicide bomber.  
Someone told me tonight that her 31 year old friend with a baby was just diagnosed, also, with stage 4 brain cancer.  

I’ve never been the kind of person that can just FLOW.  I don’t flow. I’m not in the boat.  I’m not enjoying the view.  I’m walking down the street and I’m screaming and pointing at every flaw in the scenery.  Just loud wordless screams. i saw a comic of a cat doing yoga and the instructor informed the feline that a hairball was getting in the way of its chakra.  I’m that cat and the hairball is everything that’s wrong in the world. My chakra is all clogged up. 

I kind of just want to stop there because I don’t really have anything profound to say — no conclusions have been reached.  There’s a bunch of sadness, I see it, I can’t flow, and now what?  

They say you write to figure out what you really think.  You write to tell yourself the truth.  

I want to tell myself the GOOD.  That there’s music, and there’s friends, and there’s new babies.  NEW babies.  Three friends have had babies.  These beautiful, fat, sleepy, good smelling babies.  And there’s food.  And there’s poetry and books and the ocean and fireworks and long hugs.  There’s good.  

And see I come from a faith that says all of this doesn’t matter because there’s a bigger picture, there’s a larger narrative at hand, so be encouraged, it’s all gonna work out.  But then there’s that weird cause and effect or exchange or I don’t know.  Like one person gets to finally be ok, and then that sickness or that loss or whatever is transfered somewhere else and there’s just this endless amount of Damnits going on. I don’t know how to just flow with that.

You know I read one of Buechner’s book awhile back and it’s one of the few things I hold onto when it comes to faith.  He just said Everyone is OK in the End.  Everyone.  And that everybody comes home. And that’s kind of my statement of faith right now.  What do you believe?  Everyone’s OK in the End.  Everybody comes home.  It’s ok. Try and be kind to each other in the meantime.  Flow. 

So that’s my ending. I’ll just keep saying that mantra – we’re all going to be ok. we’re all going to be ok. And I hope that’s the truth.  

 

 

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