My god, we tried!

Pam sends me this picture every once in awhile.  We love it.   

by god we tried

 

It’s from http://weheartit.com/

Advertisements

Pam’s Epitaph

Today Pam said, and I quote: “I don’t like liking people that arn’t good people.” 

I decided to use this quote as Pam’s epitaph when she is no longer little and kicking.

Pam- She didn’t like liking people that weren’t good people. 

Speaking of dying, the other day my mother and I were in my favorite thrift store – Thrift Town- in the Bay Area.  It’s the one I’ve been going to since I was a teenager and I told her that Thrift Town feels really homey to me.  She agreed.  Then I told her that I wanted my ashes poured out on the floors of Thrift Town. 

Too morbid?  I’m sorry.  Back to Pam dying….

Pam and I consider adoption

Me: We should do something REALLY special this holiday season.  Something memorable that will make us always remember THIS year.

Pam: Like what?

Me: Uhh… (then enthusiastically) Like adopt a child!

Pam: Together?

Me: Yes!

Pam: And share him?

Me: Exactly! You in?

Pam: (without any consideration) No.

The Other Pam

I don’t know if this will translate on paper.  But we’ll give it a go.

Pam and I went out tonight and had just about the greatest time possible.  Our funny friend David was with us.  He’s insulting and horrible and we love him.  Pam and I have a major communication barrier which is why I choose to write down most of our conversations.  Well, not most.  You really don’t want me to write down MOST because most of the things we talk about are completely boring and irrelevant.  Like today I spent a long time trying to convince Pam my real name wasn’t Hillary.  I even created a fake birth certificate (actually i had Julie make it).  At one point she believed me and then when I told her I was lying she said, “That wasn’t even that funny or exciting.  That’s like me spending all day trying to convince you that my favorite color is Red.”  But you see, the name I came up with rhymed with a dirty word so it was NOTHING like her trying to convince me that her favorite color was red.  A FAKE BIRTH CERTIFICATE!  A DIRTY WORD!  Anyways, here’s Pam and I driving in the car:

Me: (i point to pam and david) Remember when you, and you, and I went to that restaurant…

Pam (interrupts): The other me?

Me: What?  What other you? No YOU!  I’m talking about you and you (pointing to Pam and David).

Pam: The other David?

Me: Seriously?   What other David?  What other you?  I’m saying when the three of us went to dinner…

Pam:  I thought you meant the other David and the other Pam.

Me:  (long silence) But I didn’t say other.  I said YOU.   What other are you talking about?

Pam:  Like maybe you have another asian friend and hispanic friend that you call “Other David,” and “Other Pam.”  Like a doppelganger.

Me: Okay, great, but this is actually a story about YOU.  And I’ve never, ever mentioned any OTHER PAM!  So again, back to the beginning of this story, do you remember when YOU…

I wish I had an Other Pam!  One Pam is just not enough for anyone.  My other favorite moment of the night was when Pam tried to stuff a cocker spaniel puppy under her shirt so we could steal it.  And we went to a Korean BBQ place and they had bible verses in the stalls.  Like really strange ones IN the stalls, framed and mounted which I read while Beyonce’s “Single Ladies” was playing overhead.  And then to make things really awkward I leaned down and asked Pam if her stall had mounted scripture and she screamed because she didn’t like my face in her stall.

Puppy vs. Baby

Pam and I are at the Rose Bowl.  I see a baby in a stroller. 

Me:  I wonder what it’s like to be a baby in a stroller.  I wonder if that’s fun to watch the whole world fly by while you’re just sitting there, doing nothing.

Pam:  I wonder what it’s like to be a puppy a lot.  Everyone pets you and brings you food and thinks you’re cute.  And you don’t have to work. 

Me:  Seriously?

A few things I love about this.  One: Everyone pets Pam and thinks she’s cute anyways (so she and puppies don’t have much of a different existence).  Two: Pam thinks a perk to being is a puppy is unemployment!  Three:  Pam has had this existential puppy pondering MORE than once!

This started a long conversation about whether it’s better to be a puppy or a baby.  Pam advocated for puppies because babies, as she said, “are more complicated.”  As evidence of her argument she cited their propensity to poop, drool and cry  –  And I quote, “You’re just a mess if you’re a baby.”  (How great is that quote!?) I then told her that puppies do the same sorts of things.  She rebuttaled by suggesting that puppies are cleaner in their pooping and throwing up.  So really it became a debate about what we’d rather have around – a puppy or a baby.   We then concluded that Pam hates babies.  Kidding!  We actually finished the conversation when I told Pam, “You drool and puke everywhere and I still want to keep you!” which made her unreasonably defensive and caused her to burst out, “I do not!”   Shortly before or after this moment I concluded that we were both morons.

Top Ten

Most common questions/comments/or concerns directed towards me from others on a regular basis:

1.  You’re weird.

2.  Are those your real eyes?

3.  That’s inappropriate.

4.  Are you still eating? and/or Are you eating again?

5. What’s wrong with you?

6.  I love you, too.  No, I won’t say it again. 

7.  Put me down!  (said mostly by Pam)

8.  Seriously, that’s so weird. 

9.  Why don’t you have a boyfriend? 

10. Shut up.

Actually, the most common expression I hear is, “Wow, you’re like the funniest, wittiest gal I’ve ever met.  Oh My!”

Pam, the Abandoning Life Coach

Pam just hurt my feelings.

Me:  I’m going to make a ‘Pam Tab’ on my blog.

Pam: But what if we stop being friends?

Me:  Why would you say something like that?

Pam: Or what if I stop working here, move away and we never talk?

Me: Pam, Stop being a &%**@!

Pam:  Okay, I’ll never leave. 

Pam is behind me now doing something in my shelves and I just heard her yell, “This isn’t safe!”  I turned around and she’s holding a bag of scizzors that almost fell on her.  Safety’s for losers, Pam. 

Conversation continues:

Me: You’re fired.

Pam: You can’t fire me.  

Me: Yes I can.  You’re not the only one that abandons.

Pam:  What would you do without me?  Who’s gonna read the fine print.

Okay, so this one time, I may have bought some unnecessary things on the internet without reading the fine print.  I thought I was getting free samples, but I was actually purchasing large quantities of supplies.  Pam was reading over my shoulder and stopped me before I devestated my bank account.  She calls it her funniest day at work. 

Pam:  I’m your life coach.  (Picks up the turtle on my desk) This is ugly.

Hummingbirds

Pam (coworker) and I are walking back from lunch today and it’s beautiful out – Not to hot, light breeze, just perfect.  I notice these bright pink flowers and then, hovering above the flowers, I see a humming bird.  I excitedly point and say, “Pam, Hummingbird!”  She sees it too, with a “Oooo!”  And then I say, in a rather loud and frantic voice, while ducking, “Don’t let it hit you in the head!”  To which Pam replies, confused and ducking slightly, “Why would you say that?”   I stayed for a moment, holding my knees and laughing on the street. 

My mother loves hummingbirds.  She has little feeders on our back porch in the Bay Area and in the evening she pours a glass of wine and watches them hover and sip sugar.  They really are something to behold – how their wings move so fast you barely see them and the way the light refelcts off their irredescent feathers.  My mother has explained to me repeatedly that they are, in fact, vicous fighters, defensive of their turf.  She’s seen a few gruesome battles over her backyard.  She told me once that because of the hummingbirds immense speed, being hit in the head by one is like being hit with a speeding baseball with a nail sticking out of it.  Maybe she made up that analogy herself, but oh has it stuck with me. 

Whenever I see hummingbirds I have the same reaction.  1st Awe.  2nd Panic and the desire to duck. 

Other facts:

1. My mother takes amazing pictures of hummingbirds.

2. I have a stained-glass hummingbird in my room. 

image

Apparently Pam thinks all cowboys are rednecks.

Me: Are you going to wear something cowboyish to my party?

Pam: I thought it was a Southern Party.

Me:  (long pause, sideward glance) Do you not know where cowboys are from? Not sure what they are?

Pam:  I thought you meant Southern like peach cobbler and that lady on the food network.

Me:  What lady?

Pam:  Google Southern Lady Food Network.

Me:  (Head on desk laughing)

Pam:  I didn’t think you were having a Redneck party. 

Five hours latter Pam yells Paula Dean!

Pam wants this party:

0826deena350x400

And not this party:

redneck-sign